Dead Men Tell No Tales' tells the same ole story

It's an amiable shrug of a summer movie that is neither bad or good but is unequivocally loud, dark (especially in murky 3D that slides out of focus any time you move your neck), and long.

Blacksmith Will Turner requires the help of Captain Jack Sparrow to save his true love, Elizabeth Swann, from Jack's former first mate, Captain Hector Barbossa and his crew, who are immortal as a result of stealing cursed Aztec gold.

We also learn where he got all his odd accessories. In his quest to find the infamous pirate captain, Henry comes to realise that he has to get in the queue behind others who want to exact their revenge on Sparrow or at minimum to bring him to justice. And thus his famed fashion sense was born. The film is directed by Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg nd scripted by Jeff Nathanson.

And then there is Depp, whose cartoonish portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow has become a caricature of a caricature, mincing and slurring through each scene, drunker and wearing thicker eyeliner than ever. Bardem, known for his villainous roles in films like "No Country for Old Men" and "Skyfall" steals the show as Captain Salazar, a cursed Spanish captain bound to the sea as a ghost.

Much of the focus, however, is on the insipid romance between Henry (whose parents, played by Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley in the first three movies, make very brief appearances) and Carina (Kaya Scodelario), a young woman who has the secrets to finding Poseidon's trident.

Even Tell No Tales' flaws aren't original to this film.

Jack Sparrow and his friends are returning to the big screen this weekend in the fifth installment of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise, one that's earning a lot of talk among the critics.

"I just don't see it [working on Pirates without Depp]". I don't know, perhaps directors Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg felt the need to include a sea witch character who serves literally no objective other than to add a certain spookiness to the film, or a wedding scene in which Captain Jack is almost forced to lock lips with a woman ridden with a disease resulting from a lack of vitamin C, which does nothing but wastes the viewer's time with cheap laughs. "So what we are doing is just helping the process".

McCartney jumped at the chance to play a pirate in a jail scene in the new film, Dead Men Tell No Tales.

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