By Delena Wilkerson   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

First Lieutenant Daniel Choi strolls across the stage with that distinctive military posture, in full dress uniform, and with his mouth taped shut. When he reaches the microphone, he looks out over thousands of rainbow flags and smiling faces, rips off the tape, and greets the crowd in Arabic.

Choi, 28, is widely recognized as the iconic symbol of what is wrong with the U.S. military policy known as Don't Ask, Don't Tell, instituted in 1993 under President Bill Clinton. He is a 2003 graduate of the prestigious U.S. Military Academy at West Point, an Arabic language specialist, environmental engineer, first-generation Korean American, and a founding member of Knights Out. Lt. Choi spent two years as an infantry officer in Iraq in command of a 40-member unit engaged in the reconstruction efforts. Today he is an outspoken activist for the repeal of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy and in danger of discharge from the Army after telling the truth about his sexuality on The Rachel Maddow Show in March of this year.

Since March, Choi has been a highly sought-after speaker for rallies in support of equality for the LGBT community from coast to coast. He often begins those rallies with a recitation about love from the works of Lebanese poet Gibran Khalil Gibran. There are many aspects to the love Choi references in his now famous "Love Is Worth It" chant. Some of his thoughts on these aspects follow are outlined below.

Honor and Duty

 In professions such as the military where life is endangered by virtue of the institution's purpose, trust becomes sacred and integrity becomes a requisite quality for each professional. An officer who is not trustworthy cannot be tolerated; in some professions the cost of dishonesty is measured in dollars - in the Army, the cost is measured in human lives. The ability of West Point to educate, train and inspire outstanding leaders of character for our Army is predicated upon the functional necessity of honesty. In short, USMA expects its graduates and cadets to commit to a lifetime of honorable living. Excerpt from the United States Military Academy Honor Committee 

It is honor that ultimately propelled Choi to join in the creation of Knights Out and to OUT himself in March of this year. For Choi, the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) policy is in direct conflict with the Military Honor Code. LGBT soldiers are required to lie in order to serve their country in the military - a requirement Choi reluctantly kept for nine years. Then, at the age of 27, he met Matthew, who became his first same-sex relationship. "It all started with my boyfriend," he says. He met Matthew one weekend in December 2008, while stationed at Fort Drum in upstate New York, having ventured into New York City, a five-and-a-half-hour drive away, to check out the bar scene. As his relationship with Matthew progressed, so did Choi's unease. He jokes now about using the name Martha to refer to his new love interest. At the time, however, he experienced it as highly stressful and set out to find guidance and mentorship for navigating the conflict. Through "secret networks" he found others including, significantly, a retired colonel who would become his mentor. "He really helped me through coming out," states Choi, even though this colonel had remained closeted through graduation from West Point in 1969 and two tours in Vietnam before finding and marrying the man of his dreams.

Two days after Choi and the other founding members of Knights Out staged their mass coming-out action, a flood of emails began. "There was so much pain and injury," Choi says. "We received emails from people who were on the brink of suicide that talked about wanting to drive their Humvees off a cliff, people who felt isolated and alone. These people were confirming the importance and the magnitude of Knights Out's efforts. Then it really became a duty in keeping with our training," he says. "Never let any soldier be isolated, never let them be alone, reach out to them, mentor them. DADT is stupid. We don't make it less stupid playing into their [fear mongers'] hands," adds Choi.

Initially, the members of Knights Out thought the part of their mission that focused on repealing DADT would be short-lived because of President Obama's promise to end the practice. After ten months in office, President Obama has not signed an executive order to halt these dismissals, and another 439 service members have been discharged under DADT, according to Larry Johnson at No Quarter.

Since 1993, more than 12,000 men and women have been dismissed from the Coast Guard, Marines, Navy, Army, and Air Force under Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, according to data provided to the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network. Nearly 800 of them had skills deemed "mission-critical" by the Pentagon, including 322 language experts, 59 of whom were proficient in Arabic and nine in Farsi. On June 30 of this year, Choi gave testimony at his own discharge hearing in Syracuse. He spoke mostly in Arabic. None of the hearing officers or anyone else in the building at the time could translate, making his point loud and clear. Nevertheless, the board of four officers recommended Choi be discharge under DADT. Choi will be the first New York National Guard member to be so discharged, if the recommendation is approved.

الحب هو يستحق كل هذا العناء (Arabic)

Country and Service 

For Choi, the uniform has an identity all its own. "When you put on the uniform, you're supposed to lose a bit of your personal identity and pick up the identity of the uniform," says Choi. In the uniform your focus is "task cohesion," getting the job done, not "social cohesion" or hanging out together, he adds. From Choi's perspective, this is one of the good things the military brings out in people. In the uniform your role in the team is based on your capabilities and your capacity to help complete the mission. He also believes the idea that American soldiers are too distracted by their fear of a fellow soldier's sexual orientation to get the job done is an insult to their professionalism. Twenty-two (85 percent) of the 26 countries that participate militarily in NATO permit gay people to serve. Only three of the permanent members of the United Nations Security Council - the United States, Russia, and China - do not allow open service. All members of the European Union except Greece permit gay people to serve openly, as do Argentina, Uruguay, the Philippines, and Israel. Ironically, it is Choi's observation that some of the loudest objections to LGBT soldiers serving openly in the military come from those least likely to see combat. According to Choi, when you're under fire, "your value to the unit is based on what you can do to accomplish the mission," and he adds, "DADT hurts the US military, especially the straight soldiers more than anyone else."

According to Choi, "gay soldiers are some of the most zealous and the most patriotic, working extra hard" because they are driven to work for the manifestation of pure ideals like liberty and justice, even as their own rights are arbitrarily restricted by the country they fight for and love. That drive, he believes, leads many toward elite fighting groups, like Special Ops and Special Forces units, and demanding languages like Arabic and Farsi. Indeed, Choi says, that search for pure ideals is one reason he decided to specialize in Arabic. After 9/11, a random message on an answering machine in his West Point dorm heightened his determination.

"One of my greatest motivations came when I was at West Point, right after 9/11. We got this telephone message on the answering machine in the hallway at the dorm, and this guy said, 'I served in Saudi Arabia and I'm sure it's Arabic.' Someone called out, 'Who's studying Arabic?' and someone else answered, 'Choi, get him.' So I went in. It was like midnight and the whole chain of command was there, listening intently. We thought we might get bombed because we were so close [a flight of just over 1.5 hours] to the World Trade Center. We were on high alert. The generals were pulling guard duty because we didn't have enough soldiers. I arrived but was thinking, 'I don't know how I'm going to translate this,' because I had only had a semester and a half of Arabic at that point. So I listened very intently, so focused. And I understood what was being said. The message turned out to be harmless. We were all relieved. When I walked out the door, people were saying, 'Oh, you're a hero, Choi.' I still couldn't understand how I knew all the words, and then it hit me. The message was all in Korean." He laughs, but confirms that the experience only magnified the importance of his desire to be as good an Arabic speaker as a native.

While in Iraq, Choi had many opportunities to speak Arabic. One of the most memorable times for Choi came in 2006, when he was just 26 years old. He was asked to speak before the Baghdad Governors Council about U.S. reconstruction efforts and water resources. (Choi also has a degree in environmental engineering.) Sharing the platform with several Army colonels, Lt. Choi gave his presentation in Arabic, beginning with what translates as "All things are created from water," followed by the Koran verse "And tell them all to take water in their turn." At the end, he received a standing ovation for what he believes was the Council's perception of respect shown by a U.S. soldier's ability to speak their language.

Ironically, it is Choi's observation that some of the loudest objections to LGBT soldiers serving openly in the military come from those least likely to see combat.

사랑의 가치 (Korean)

Family and Heritage

 "My dad would always say 'you represent your whole entire race,'" acknowledges Choi. As he was frequently either the only Asian person or one of only a few in his class, his company, and his battalion, his father's words have stayed with him. Being a public spokesperson for the repeal of DADT has not come without personal challenges for Choi. For his immigrant parents, and especially his Southern Baptist minister-father, Choi's public persona as a gay man has been difficult to accommodate. "Gender roles are so specifically set out in the Korean tradition, and they're afraid of anything that may challenge that," notes Choi. "In some ways," he elaborates, "it's a very racist-based identity. My parents' main concern was that I marry a Korean girl and have a bunch of Korean babies. [The idea of me not doing that was] a bigger fear than openly gay people in the community. Choi's coming out was on the cover of a Korean American journal, KoreAm magazine, that angered many people. "Koreans are also shy of the media," Choi explains, "but the younger generations resent the absence of Asian people in the media on any issues. We are so invisible, not just the gay community but we're also invisible in the military."

Choi's coming out has been a major awakening for a lot of reasons. He feels some resentment because of a perception that everything he does is based on being gay in the military instead of representing the Korean community. "I represent the values I've learned," is his response. Values that many people may not be aware of emanate from Choi's deep spiritual side. He grew up entranced by his father's stories of travel through Jerusalem as a missionary, "wanting more than anything to walk where Jesus walked." His desire to speak Arabic ties into that desire. The Harvard classes in religious ethics, fundamentalism, and the separation of church and state also tie in. Right now though, those classes, and most other things in Choi's life, are on hold because of his commitment to the mission of repealing DADT and providing support to his fellow LGBT service members. "With LGBT soldiers, it's a very lonely journey," Choi concluded from his own experiences and nothing brought that to the forefront more than entering a relationship with a man for the first time.

Love Is Worth It! (English)

Relationship and Community

When Matthew Kinsey spotted this interesting-looking man across the bar, he decided to go over and introduce himself. He crossed the room and said hello, to which the man giggled and walked away. Intrigued, Kinsey decided to try again later in the evening. This time they did have a conversation, during which he learned that the man was on a maiden voyage into the gay scene at the age of 27 and that he was a soldier. The importance of those facts would not register for Kinsey until later. He had a business trip to Italy. Choi had a deployment to Turkey....

In the December issue we will pick up the story with love interest Matthew Kinsey, whom Choi describes as his "rock," the 45-year-old Gucci executive who sees the world of First Lt. Daniel Choi through civilian eyes. 

Cover photo by Eric Politzer, official photographer for the National Equality March.

Article photos courtesy of Matthew Kinsey and Daniel Choi

Knights Logo from official Knights Out Facebook page

Translations provided by Google Translator

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

MONTH ENDING NOVEMBER 30, 2009

Pictured above are Producer Hanan Kattan (l) and her spouse, novelist/filmmaker Shamim Sarif. See them and others in the 10,000 Inspiring Couples Gallery.

Lifting up and portraying the inspirational reality of our joy, health, and love as same-sex couples is one of the primary reasons that 10,000 Couples was created. In short, we are everywhere, and we count. We're not an aberration, we are not vile, and we are not abnormal. So we set out to show the world who we really are -- African, European, Latin, Asian, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, short, tall, male, female, young, old, famous, homeless, Democrat, Republican, Independent, and every hue in between. So here's the question: Does it matter? 

By Michele O'Mara, LCSW   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

I never felt married, until I got married. I got married twice, in fact, to the same person.  The legal ceremony, if you will, took place in Canada (no bitterness there, right?)

I don't have a long history of partners, if you consider that my real years of dating (you know, the ones that are gender-appropriate) didn't start until I was 21.  Until I met Teresa, my Canadian (no, she's not Canadian, just our marriage is) wife, I never felt a sense of permanence about my relationships.  With her, though, it was like I'd always heard... I just knew.

For years, like many gay and lesbian people I know, I made choices that prioritized my family of origin above my partner.   If a choice was to be made about who I was going to prioritize (or more specifically, who I would not risk disappointing) it was automatically - without even thinking - my family of origin.

I think two things about this.  My bT (before Teresa) relationships were not committed enough, permanent enough, or certain enough, for me to feel like it was safe or smart to cut the apron strings.  

When I talk about cutting the apron strings, I'm talking about creating a shift from viewing your family of origin as your "primary relationship" to viewing your newly created relationship with your partner as your primary relationship.  This shift changes the decisions you make from what is best for my family of origin, to what is best for my newly created grown-up family.  This transition is often very painful for parents, and their fears and disappointment in losing you may inadvertently cause them to challenge your decisions, or make cutting the apron strings more difficult. The second thing I think about why I delayed cutting the apron strings in my life is, I was not committed enough to myself, or certain enough in my own skin, to trust that it was okay, or even acceptable (based on my own Imago) to cut the apron strings.

Well, as love would have it, Teresa came equipped with her own pair of scissors.  What initially felt to me like a serious design flaw in our relationship ("how," I would ask myself, "can she not see how important my family is to me?") has become a most important gift.  If you haven't noticed this yourself, our relationships are full of these kinds of gifts, that are initially disguised as serious character flaws in our partners. 

With these scissors, she helped me see that this was not a situation where I am choosing "either my family of origin, or her" rather, it is about knowing how to prioritize my adult relationships - just like my parents had to do to build their family, and their parents before them, and on. 

In this process I discovered the difference between the family in which I am a child, and the family in which I am an adult.  This difference is key to understanding the importance of "growing-up" in our adult relationships.  To be responsible to ourselves, our future, and our relationship, we must be sure that we nurture connections that will sustain us into the years we continue to live after our parent's are no longer alive.   

Grown-up relationship boundaries mean that each partner in the relationship promises to protect the relationship from anything that does not offer to improve the physical or emotional health of each partner, or the intimacy of the relationship. 

In order for us to establish and respect these boundaries, we must internalize the importance and validity of them.  And we must expect those around us to respect our adult relationships as much as their own.  We only risk "disappointing" our family of origin if they do not respect or value the new relationship that we have made.  

Fortunately, this has not been true for most of the members of our family, but it is certainly true of many gay and lesbian families.  We have much to learn from our heterosexual brothers and sisters on this issue.  It is expected in our culture for heterosexuals to marry, create their own families, and make decisions in the best interest of their new families.  It stands to reason then, if we wish for this to become the norm in our relationships too, then we must step into the belief that  it is not only okay, but it is essential to the health of our relationships.  

If you have a question for Michele, login and ask it in the comments section.

By   Sat, Feb 27, 2010

Called by God

Joey Heath is a 26 year old life long United Methodist. He is currently a graduate student at Wesley Theological Seminary completing his Masters in Divinity. Once an ordained pastor, Joey hopes he will be able to bring real change to the UMC on the issues of sexuality and gender identity at the broader church level, but also with individuals, so that one day the church will truly be a place that is inclusive of all people.

Matters of Gay Faith blog posts from various authors discuss matters of faith, spirituality and institutional religion affecting the LGBT community with special emphases on same-sex couples and their families. Click Here for Other Matters of Gay Faith Posts

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

Anna Burchwell-Craver and her spouse Cory Craver live with their three sons in Poway, just outside San Diego, California. The couple is deep into '50s living, to the delight of all their friends since Anna loves to cook and entertain. Here is one of the family's favorite recipes. There will be more about this couple in the December issue.

"Some of my recipes are labor intensive and some are quick and easy. This is one of the easy ones! This whole recipe can be made from scratch! I have just found that with our big family, it's much easier this way, and nobody ever knows. They'll think you slaved all day!" said Anna.

Don't worry, Anna, we won't tell.

Carmel Fried Apple Pies

1 pre-made pie crust (in the cooler section, not the frozen)
1 can carmel apple pie filling
1/2 cup powder sugar
2 tablespoons cinnamon
1 tablespoon sugar
2 quarts of vanilla  ice cream
1 frying pan
cooking oil
1 medium mixing bowl
 
Get your apron on!

Take the pie crust out of the fridge and let it sit on the counter.

Open the can of apple pie filling and add cinnamon to taste, a little at a time while mixing.

After the pie crust has warmed up (15 to 20 minutes on the counter), cut each crust into 4 pieces. Each pie crust will make 2 large pies or 4 small ones (we are making the large pies).

Sprinkle a little regular sugar on the inside of the pie crust.
Then make 3 little slits on each of 2 of the 4 pieces of crust; these are the tops of your pies.

Scoop 2 spoonfuls of the pie filling onto the center of the pie crust without the slits. Then lay a top piece of the pie crust onto each of the bottom pieces that have the filling in the center. Using your fingers, press the two crusts together. Using a fork, go around all the edges of the pie and press again.
Repeat this step with each of the individual pies you are making.
 
Ready to Cook.

Add about 1 inch of oil to frying pan and heat on medium-high heat until it is hot.

Put the bottom of the pie in the hot oil first for about 30 seconds, then flip over for about 2 minutes just to cook the very top of the pie.

Remove pies from the pan and place on paper towels to drain. Immediately sprinkle with powdered sugar.
Serve with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.
 
For a healthier version, bake in the oven  at 450 degrees for 10 minutes or until crust is golden brown.

If you have a special family recipe you would like to share, let us know. Write to editor@joined-together.net with "recipe" in the subject line. Don't forget photos.  Bon appétit!!

By Howie Holben   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

Mexico has gay travel spots where you will enjoy fun, sun, and turf. There is Acapulco, known for its beautiful stretches of white beach, warm, aqua colored ocean, to the comfortable and exotic hotels and home like villas. If you would rather stay in a condominium, those are available to rent also. For an exciting night life, there are gay bars and nightclubs where you and your partner can dance the night away.

Acapulco receives gay tourists from all over the United States and other countries because they cater to gays, making Acapulco an attractive destination.  Some of the favorite gay clubs you won't want to miss are Moons, a fantastic dance club; Club Savage, if you wish to saunter on over to the drag queen performances; Demas, another dance club with loud music, and the place to listen to Latina and American music, is at Cabare Tito beach. Fortunately, Acapulco realizes that their tourism relies on gays vacationing in safety and spending money, so Acapulco makes gay travel more attractive, safer, and more popular every year.

There is even a gay beach in Acapulco called Playa Condesa where partiers frequent, and is also known for its jet ski rentals and para sailing. A little further down are restaurants and a bar, all gay friendly. If you simply want to soak up some sun or sit in the shade, a vendor will be along to rent you an umbrella, chair, and sell you cool refreshing drinks. Gay travel to this beach is the highest in Mexico.

Casa Condesa (shown here) situated on a hill from the beach, is a very popular gay guesthouse run by gay managers. Gay travelers who have stayed there haven't wanted to leave Acapulco because the atmosphere is so friendly and safe. When you feel safe, you can relax and have fun. In fact, some felt such a wonderment in Acapulco, they have come back to live permanently.

Still, even if you are going for a vacation only, and you want a friendly, affordable, gay travel destination where you are sure to have fun, privacy when you desire, and acquire many new friends, relax, and enjoy your stay, because you will never regret traveling to Acapulco. 

The author is Howie Holben. He operates Spirit Journeys. You can learn more about gay vacations with a spiritual focus at Spirit Journeys.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Howie_Holben

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

365 Days of Gay Love and Lesbian Romance

from Trevor and Alex -- Cuddling on the sofa while watching a touching romantic movie, identifying closely with the emotions expressed in the movie, turning to each other and smiling because we identify so dearly with such emotions. We enjoy watching movies or symbols reaffirming our love for each other.

from Jeffrey -- Darkness, Candles & undivided attention.

from Dion and Benjamin -- A nice meal, discussion, and activity

from Donna -- For our first anniversary I gave my girlfriend a Vase with a label that simply said, "I Love...".  Inside were 365 little tags filled with sweet things like "waking up with you every morning" or "the way your eyes sparkle when you smile" to some that were a bit dirty and fun.  She has enjoyed them and even takes one or two with her if she has to travel on business. I get some nice "Awwws" and kisses or giggles/a gasped covered mouth depending on what the message says but always she smiles and she sees yet another thing I love about her. We've even made it part of our morning routine for getting ready and it is something we try and always do together.  She usually lets me pick from the vase.  It took a little time and thought but it wasn't expensive and it has paid back the time/thought investment 100 times over.

from Billy and Bob -- It's romantic all the time. Billy likes to cook. Bob likes to take walks together. They both like lying around watching a movie.

from Genia and Andrea -- We don't do a lot of romance at home.  We like to rent a hotel room (even if it's 5 minutes from the house) that has a hot tub!

from Jeff O -- A home-cooked meal with the fancy dishes and silverware over a candle-light dinner; then cuddle time while watching movies.

from Deneil and Sandi -- Making dinner together with some iPod mix going on in the background.  Sandi is a great sous chef.  Then once we eat our scrumptious yet simple dinner, we get cozy on the couch and watch a movie.

from Anna and Cory -- We  were able to get Disneyland passes last year for Christmas. Just Cory and I . The boys do not know. Shh! So once or twice a month we pack a lunch and take the hour drive and go to Disneyland together, just the 2 of us! we  love it! Its a great day full of laughter and great times!

from Dan -- Ordering out and watching TV uniterrupted

from Matthew -- Shushi, Champaign, and Cupcakes- laying on the sofa looking out the windows at the New York skyline.  Maybe a little TV.  Or, taking a walk holding hands.

By   Thu, Oct 29, 2009

In January 2009, Iceland made history with the appointment of the world's first openly gay Prime Minister, Jóhanna Sigurdardóttir. Prime Minister Sigurdardottir, 66, has a history of political involvement within the trade union movement and, since 1978, as a member of the Icelandic Parliament. Nicknamed "Ice Queen," Sigurdardóttir was recently named to the 2009 NewStatesman list of 50 people who matter in the world, alongside Jay-Z, Hugo Chávez, and Bollywood star Shahrukh Khan. 

Her spouse of seven years, Jónina Leósdóttir (pictured on the left) is a playwright, author, journalist, and officially the First Lady of Iceland. The couple have three children and several grandchildren. Icelandic social policy is among the most progressive in the world. Same-sex marriage became legal in 1996.

More

By   Thu, Oct 29, 2009

Also celebrating this month . . .

November 11

Together since 2004, Mark & Adam held their commitment ceremony on November 11.  The couple share a home in Gosford, Australia with their 3 dogs, 2 cats and hope to make it legal one day. 

More about this couple.

November 24

Celebrating 11 years together, Bobby & Tim held their civil union ceremony in October 2004 in Vermont and celebrated with a November reception in SoCal surrounded by family and friends.  The couple who share a home in Vancouver, Washington met one day before Thanksgiving in 1998.

By Nina Smith   Thu, Oct 29, 2009

Gretchen Rubin's new book The Happiness Project, set to hit shelves in December 2009, is an account of the year she spent test-driving studies and theories about how to be happier.  The Happiness Project has a related site called Happiness Project Toolbox that is worth exploring as well.  But first, here is what financial guru Nina Smith, wrote in her September blog at Queercents.

From Nina's Blog

Awhile back, Gretchen Rubin, projector of all things happy, listed 8 tips for how money can buy happiness. The entire list is a worthy read, but I wanted to emphasize number two and her suggestion that couples should use money to:

End marital conflict. If you're constantly arguing about the unkempt lawn, or the moldering laundry, see if you can throw some money at the problem. Can you hire the teenager down the street to clean out the garage?

Better yet, can you hire a cleaning service to clean the entire house? You betcha. In an effort to save money a couple of years ago, we canceled our cleaners. Of course, this experiment lasted about 2 minutes before we started bickering about who was going to clean the toilets that weekend. We just couldn't make what should be a simple act of frugality work.

I remember when I wrote about it, My Open Wallet left this comment, "I think for a couple, housekeeping can be an issue that is worth resolving via outside help- either a cleaning lady or a therapist!"

Truer words were never spoken. No therapy required. But since then, we've spent $160 each month to have the service show up twice. If I had my druthers, we'd spend the money for weekly visits, but Jeanine is convinced that we should be able to "spot-clean" on the off weeks. Um, yeah... that's not happening.

A cleaning service is one "affordable luxury" that I've always felt was well deserved. I work hard at my job, one that requires quite a bit of travel and the last thing I want to do on my weekend is clean the house. Toss a baby into the mix and whammy... a spotless backsplash in the kitchen isn't a priority on Saturday mornings.

In the book, Nickel and Dimed, Barbara Ehrenreich writes about her then-current employer, the Merry Maids franchise owner and how he "learned to capitalize on housework-related spats by making follow-up calls on Saturdays between 9:00 and 11:00 AM - which is prime time for arguing over the fact that the house is a mess."

I hear ya! Anne Gibbons, the cartoonist, illustrates it best for me, "Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I." A cleaning service is money well spent. And in our household it does lead to happiness!

Eight Ways Money CAN Buy You Happiness

1. Strengthen bonds with family and friends. Studies show that having close relationships is one of the most important elements of a happy life. Pay for a plane ticket to visit your brother’s new baby, go to your college reunion, throw a Superbowl party.

2. End marital conflict. If you’re constantly arguing about the unkempt lawn, or the moldering laundry, see if you can throw some money at the problem. Can you hire the teenager down the street to clean out the garage?

3. Upgrade your exercise. Studies show that one of the quickest and surest ways to boost your mood is to exercise. If spending money on a new iPod, a more convenient gym, or a new pair of yoga pants will make it easier to get yourself off the couch, that's a good happiness investment.

4. Think about fun. Ask yourself – and be honest – what’s fun for you? Fishing, bird-watching, travel, hunting through flea markets, experimenting in the kitchen, skiing, scrapbooking? Make sure that your calendar reflects some activities that you are doing just for FUN. For happiness, you’re better off using your money to have a great experience than to gain a possession.

5. Serenity and security. Peace of mind is critical to happiness, so use the money to pay down your debts or to add to your savings.

6. Pay more for healthy food. It’s a sad fact that fruits, vegetables, and healthy food are more expensive than fast food, but eating healthfully will pay off in the long run, in terms of your good health and energy.

7. Spend the money on someone else. One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make someone else happy. Think about ways you could spend the money that would make a big difference to someone else -- whether someone you know, or a cause you support. How many new books could the library's children's room add to the shelves?

8. Think about YOUR priorities. Two years ago, some friends decided to skip an anniversary trip so they could use the money to buy a super-expensive Dux bed. I thought this was a bad idea, because the “hedonic treadmill” would mean that they’d quickly get used to the new bed. Oh, no. They still rave about their Dux bed. So maybe that fancy new TV set would mean a lot to you, although I, for one, would hardly notice the difference. As always, the key to any happiness question is to know yourself, and what makes YOU happy.

By Byron Edgington   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

A couple in Dania Beach Florida celebrated 70 (yes, seventy) years of wedded bliss this past August 17th. Venera Magazzu, left and Caroline Leto have been a couple since 1939. When they first met, the New York World's Fair was in full swing, Hitler had just invaded Poland, and gasoline was 17 cents a gallon.

"We're not going to have a party," said Magazzu, 97, insisting they're too old for such things. "Oh yes we are," responded Leto, 96, who noted the two can still polka. "This is a big one."

A big one indeed, particularly since the two have kept a secret between them for nearly all those seventy years. When they met, in New York, Magazzu was a former Army medic and teacher, and Leto was a telegraph operator. It was one of those love at first sight kinds of things. Before they knew it they were madly in love, and sharing a flat in Manhattan where they lived together for almost fifty years. There were the usual ups and downs, of course--career disappointments, health issues, an adoption--not a child, but a pet monkey named Chi Chi. Life in New York City has many advantages, not least of which is the ability to live anonymously in one of the most congested places on earth. Magazzu and Leto were able to come and go unquestioned, and virtually unknown by neighbors and colleagues.

We never know what goes on in the lives of people around us. Few of us even know our next door neighbors: their names, occupations, kids' names, spouses etc. But the unknowns can turn us around, and astonish us, too. They can make us realize that most of the time we don't even know ourselves all that well. Greek philosopher Hermes' said in Kybalion that "all truths are but half truths--all paradoxes may be reconciled". In other words, what I say is always different from the way you hear me say it. And some members of our society, those living with fearful secrets, hear what we say--when our racial, ethnic, or other deprecations, comments about Jews, blacks, gays, lesbians find their way into our conversation and we don't know the hurt they can cause. We propel ourselves through life never understanding the simple realities that stand directly in front of us, the half-truths that are realities for other people.

Magazzu and Leto lived this reality every day for nearly seven decades. Hiding their secret, changing the subject, avoiding situations that could expose them to real danger. The world was an unforgiving place in 1939; it's not much more accepting now. Their friends and acquaintances in the tight-knit little community took care of each other, tended to one another, even developed a certain language that only they knew and understood, a jargon to keep themselves safe. This society of outcasts built a rapport with those two lovers, forming a community that evolved with more cohesion and acceptance than any found in the safe, mainstream society.

Magazzu and Leto endured, their true love affair a testament to others like theirs. And they watched their compatriots endure the same harassment, judgment and criticism, only because they'd fallen in love with each other all those years ago, and, though it was forbidden, their love, like any between two human beings, was not to be denied.

This segment of our society still stands in the shadows, fearful, cautious, watching what they say, what they do, ever afraid to exhibit their feelings in public in this the land of the free. They work alongside us, pay their bills, pay their taxes, educate their kids, worship in the pew across the aisle from us each Sunday, or Saturday at Shul, or even at the Mizzen call. They're our teachers, police, clerks, lawyers, doctors, mail carriers, firefighters, sports heroes, TV personalities, even the fellow who plays the lady killer in all those big screen romantic epics.

Call them first class taxpayers, and second class citizens. These people are only now finding their true voice, their cause just beginning to make headlines and cause minds and hearts to either open, or turn away in harsh dismissal. But they will not be denied, because what they're asking for is not an outrageous personal right or benefit, nor is it some kind of separate distinction and consideration, no reparations for past wrongs, regardless of how egregious those harms may have been. No, they're asking only for what the rest of us take for granted each and every day. To enjoy the stated rights every citizen has in these United States of America.

Caroline Leto and Venera Magazzu are old now. They've lived together as a couple, in love, for seven decades. They're not freaks, or bizarre old people, nor are they diseased in some way. Nor are they sinners. If their love is a sin, we need more transgression like theirs. No, Caroline and Venera are just two old lesbian women who happened to fall in love in 1939, and, unlike a lot of their heterosexual friends and family members, they stuck it out. We should say good for them. Here's a suggestion, Florida, are you ready? I say the state issues them a marriage license. Do it today.

Byron H. Edgington is a writer and creator of the marriage resource website http://www.caffection.com Caffection is where marriage and its manifold benefits are spoken. Visit Caffection.com for an assets planning guide, heartwarming movies, a daily journal, quotes, an e-newsletter and more, all free to download.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Byron_Edgington

Caroline Leto, right and Venera Magazzu celebrate their 70th anniversary this year. (Photo by Josh Ritchie, South Florida Sun Sentinal)

By Delena Wilkerson   Sat, Oct 31, 2009

Gwen Amber Rose Araujo (seen here shortly before her death) was 17 when she met Michael (22), Jose (22), Jaron (19), and Jason in the summer of 2002. By the end of the summer she would have had sex with two of the four men. By the end of Thursday, October 3, 2002, she would be dead. On that day, Araujo attended a party with her new "friends" at a house rented by Jose. Sometime during the party an inspection was forcibly conducted by one of the female attendees, and Araujo was discovered to have had male genitalia. Upon discovery she was put in a chokehold, punched in the face, struck in the head with a can of food and a frying pan, and kneed in the head against the living room wall until she fell unconscious. While unconscious she was taken to the garage of the home where she was strangled with a rope, struck with a shovel, hog-tied, wrapped in a blanket, and placed in the bed of a pick-up truck. She was then driven four hours away to parkland in El Dorado County, California, a wooded area known as Silver Fork in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada, where she was buried in a shallow grave. It is not clear at what point during this sequence of events Gwen died. 

This horrible story is neither new nor isolated. According to Connor Maddocks, Chair of San Diego's Day of Remembrance Activities, official police reports show a devastating pattern: " . . . they shoot them, then they beat their heads in with a pipe, then they burn them. It's not like it's one thing; it's like they have to do this incredible amount of damage to the person because the hatred is so high."  Violence against transgendered people is more brutal, especially toward male-to-female transitions because the difference is often more notable, observed Maddocks.

On Friday, November 20, 2009, the eleventh International Transgender Day of Remembrance will be observed around the world. Since 1990, an average of 19 deaths of people identified as transgendered have been recorded each year. Of the total 444; 300 occurred in the U.S., according to The Transgender Organization web site.

10,000 Couples is a magazine very deliberately focused on gay and lesbian couples. The line in the sand it seeks to draw, however, is not so clear in reality. The bi-monthly female-to-male transgender support group run by Connor Maddocks for the past five years averages 25 regular attendees, 40-50 percent of whom are part of a couple. Many couples in this group were together as lesbian couples before the transition. The so-called "butch" role in the lesbian community is not unusual, frequently leading to an initial self-identification as lesbian by the transmale. After gender transition begins in earnest, especially in cases where it is biologically irreversible, significant problems can emerge, both within the couple relationship and in relation to the community at large. No matter whether the couple is straight, lesbian, or gay, the introduction of gender transitioning is often a deal breaker. The whole nature of the relationship is affected. 

The transgendered spectrum runs from "drag" on one end, along with cross-dressing, to those identifying as androgynous or gender queer (a relatively new term meaning to identify neither as male nor female) in the middle, to the other end of the spectrum where permanent change in gender identity occurs. The main problem, according to Maddocks, is that people don't understand the difference between gender identification and sexual orientation. 

Many couples do stay together successfully.  Honesty is key in relationships of all kinds, and that is the best advice Maddocks says he can give to the trans people he works with.  He cites the story of a good friend of his who was part of a straight couple as a female before becoming transmale.  She was open and honest with her husband, and after the transition they stayed together with their two children in the same house, neighborhood, and church.  They are seen now as a gay couple; however, they don't necessarily see themselves that way. They just consider themselves as a couple. 

Cory and Anna are another success story.  Initially together as a lesbian couple, they also find labels difficult, though they shared plans to legally marry as husband and wife when Cory's transition is complete.  (Read more about Cory and Anna in the upcoming article "Anna, I'm Home!" in December)

Transitions take a long time, mostly because of affordability but also because there is a profound lack of understanding, knowledge, information, and support.  Maddocks, at the age of 56 (seen here at The Center, San Diego's LGBT community center, this October), admits to never having felt female but always feeling attracted to them.  Without understanding, information, or support, he suppressed his inner predilections and fought to conform for the sake of his parents, his Catholic school upbringing, and his life in the small town in which they lived.  The 25-year marriage he endured gained him three daughters he dearly loves but nearly cost him his life from pain-numbing alcoholic binges and misery-ending suicide attempts.

For people who think transitioning will solve all their problems, they are wrong, says Maddocks. The very practical challenges faced by gay or lesbian couples are magnified four-fold for transgendered couples.  Maddocks transitioned six years ago, starting by legally changing his name. Then he began the process of changing gender markers with hormone treatments.  There are many steps, and "it's a really selfish time", he says.  Hormone treatments send the body through another period of puberty complete with new bouts of zits. This period can last from three to eight years. Family, friend, and community reconciliation can take even longer.  After many months of therapy, Maddocks finally came out to his family. With time and patience they have also accepted him for who he has become. Three months before her death in 2003, Maddocks' mother, at his urging, read the book True Selves by Mildred Brown and told him that she understood and that it was okay. His father and daughters took longer, but in 2006 Maddocks received a birthday card addressed "To My Son."  A year ago, the last of his daughters also reconciled with him, and he spent some of his summer vacation with all of his children and grandchildren.

Then there are the legal issues. All but three states allow you to change your birth certificate, though technically you don't really need it, says Maddocks. The before and after paper trail follows you on a day-to-day basis in everything from one's driver's license or state ID to a passport, social security card, credit reports, employment history, rental applications, home financing, and car purchases. Other considerations include matters of inheritance, survivor benefits, and the list goes on. One hundred percent of a trans person's life is affected, including their safety.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance was started after Rita Hester, a transgendered woman, was stabbed to death in her apartment on November 28, 1998, in the Allston neighborhood of Boston.  Rita Hester's murder - like most anti-transgender murder cases - has yet to be solved. 

In San Diego on November 20, about 200 people are expected to participate in the hour-long silent march which will cover about a mile, followed by a program at The Center, 3909 Centre Street, San Diego, CA , during which the names of each of 2009's victims will be read aloud.

Author's Note: My interest in this subject was triggered by a beautiful young transfemale I met at my church during Pride Week this past June. I want to say thank you to Kooper Knebel, a student at Chicago Theological Seminary, for your ministry.

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

Yes, the holidays are right around the corner and the phrase "Home for the Holidays" takes on more meaning this year, doesn't it? In these tough economic times, it's only natural that people retreat to their homes for everything from solace to socializing. Holiday decorating can certainly bring some much-needed cheer to your families and friends - and it doesn't have to break the bank.

As a decorator, I apply principles of design even when decorating for the holidays. Some tricks of the trade that you can apply include:

1. Declutter & Take Inventory: Start with a fresh palette. Remove the tired wall art, take away those dust catchers - you can always put them back after the holidays.

2. Focal Point: Perhaps you have an architectural feature in the room like a fireplace or a wall of windows. Don't have any architectural interest? Create it with color, a large piece of furniture or a piece of artwork.

3. Theme: A theme can be created in one of two ways.

a. The first is based on a decorating motif that symbolizes a favorite past time, meaningful family occasion or perhaps highlights a prized collection. Examples include a rustic ski lodge, a 25th Anniversary or newlywed theme, a fantasy Toyland, an Old World Christmas, a martini tree, a pet tree featuring your breed of choice, even a favorite sports team, novel or movie star.

b. Color-based themes are a great when you're just starting out or don't want to use the same decorations again. You can complement the color of your home décor for a harmonious effect. A winter wonderland of all white and metallic is stunning. Another source is to look to fashion trends for inspiration. Hot color trends include jewel tones, acid bright colors like hot pink and neon green, and the black and white scheme always creates drama.

4. Odds Rule: Decorators know that accessorizing is done in odd numbers. So, apply it to your holiday decorating too. Group five glass jars filled with cranberries on your mantle, group three large reindeer in the center of your tree, place one large angel on your buffet table.

5. Get Creative! Think outside the box - shop around your house, look in closets, your pantry (red apples, green pears, nuts, cranberries and peppermint candies are great in apothecary jars or vases to anchor greenery), even the back yard. Pick up sticks or pinecones and spray them with metallic paint for an inexpensive alternative to the floral store offerings. Check out the non-holiday aisles in craft stores too.

Remember the mirror you took down in step one? Place it in the center of your coffee table and add votive candles on top. Use feather boas in place of garland on a tree. A faux fur throw makes a fabulous tree skirt or tablecloth.

I believe in statement pieces - one in the tree, a wreath or on a tabletop creates a focal point. A child's favorite stuffed animal embedded in the center of a tree with smaller ones on the mantel; framed photos from Christmases past are a special touch; several reindeer prancing up the tree; collectible lit houses can be displayed in the tree as well as under it, a football helmet in the center, etc.

One of the most creative trees I've seen was a Scarlett O'Hara tree. A mannequin head was used in place of the treetop and the tree acted as a hoop skirt. Fabric was placed to look like her green velvet dress with bouillon fringe - it was phenomenal.

I hope you have found some artistic inspiration and are eager to deck your halls this holiday season. My next newsletter will go into steps taken in actually decorating a tree that will impress your family and friends.

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

Sean Cahill directs the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Policy Institute. Marsha Botzer is the Task Force board co-chair, a founding member of Equal Rights Washington, and founder of Seattle's Ingersoll Gender Center. George Cheung is a founding member of Equal Rights Washington.

For two decades, the religious right has sought to pit gay people against people of color, and to portray the two communities as mutually exclusive. Anti-gay activists portray sexual orientation nondiscrimination laws as "special rights" that threaten the civil rights of "legitimate minorities." More recently, Republican leaders, including President Bush, have pitched their opposition to same-sex marriage to black religious conservatives as a key reason to vote Republican.

While racism and anti-gay bias are different, anti-LGBT groups are wrong to portray legal protections for gay people as a threat to people of color. In fact, data from the 2000 US Census indicate that black, Latino, and Asian American same-sex couple households may benefit more, on average, than white gay couples from the ability to marry. Anti-gay partner recognition laws and anti-gay parenting laws also disproportionately threaten LGBT people of color.

Full Article

By   Fri, Nov 06, 2009

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics about America's LGBT Families

By Bob Witeck, co-founder and CEO of Witeck-Combs Communications, Inc.

 
"When you say...you [gay Americans] are not a group of people who need special protection. You do well economically. You are an elite. That is precisely the argument that has been made in behalf of the worst kind of discrimination against Jewish people."  United States Senator Paul Wellstone, July 29, 1994,  Responding to an extreme right spokesperson's anti-gay testimony
 
The late Senator Wellstone delivered that biting argument fifteen years ago, during an historic Senate hearing weighing the passage of the Employment NonDiscrimination Act (ENDA). ENDA ultimately met an achingly close Senate vote that year, failing by one vote.
 
Fast forward now to 2009. Here we go again.
 
Familiar political distortions and myths continue being spread, notably by adversaries painting the LGBT community as rich elites. They twist reality to explain that we are rewarded more with privilege than burdened by discrimination. They argue again that ENDA is another way to seek preferential and undeserved special treatment under federal law.
 
The Traditional Values Coalition and other opponents, once again, selectively cherry pick data to argue that "gay incomes don't justify ENDA." In an action alert made in October 2009, the TVC writes that it doesn't appear "that LGBT individuals are suffering any widespread or systematic discriminatory treatment as employees. Clearly, the stated purpose of ENDA is based on a falsehood about widespread discrimination against LGBT individuals."
 
Paul Wellstone knew a lie when he heard one. So do most Americans.
 
To start, this is not a debate about privilege. All Americans regardless of their economic circumstances deserve fairness and equal treatment on the job.
 
The plain fairness of ENDA is so clear that in a national survey this summer conducted for Out & Equal Workplace Advocates, 86% of straight Americans agree that employers should judge employees only on their ability to perform their job, not because of their sexual orientation. Seventy-seven percent of non-LGBT Americans agree also that transgender employees ought to be judged by their performance and not because of their gender identity.
[See http://www.witeckcombs.com/news/releases/20091005]
 
That means equal justice for all, and not just for some. Justice in America is not rationed by wealth or economic status, real or fantasized.  Now let us also put to rest the hurtful political distortions made about gay affluence and privilege.
 
For over the past decade, in our analysis of credible market research and many demographic samples including the U.S. Census and the annual American Community Survey - there is not a whisper of evidence that lesbians, gay men, bisexuals or transgender people in general earn more or, on average, are wealthier than other Americans.
 
In a review of the more than 40,000 American adults who self-identify as LGB and/or T and also who have voluntarily opted in as members of a specialty online panel by Harris Interactive, roughly 38% report incomes of $35,000 or less - compared with 33% of all U.S. adults over the age of 18. Among wealthier Americans, we see a similar contrast with nearly 15% of LGBT adults reporting incomes over $100,000, contrasted with 18% of all U.S. adults according to government data.
 
To make it even clearer, anecdotal evidence and social science investigators have long shown us that transgender citizens in particular are among the most stigmatized among us, and face appalling rates of joblessness, homelessness and victimization.
 
In addition, thanks to the thorough investigations by the Williams Institute as well as other academicians, for example, we know that employment discrimination, lack of access to marriage, and a greater likelihood of being uninsured exacerbate poverty among LGB people too. A 2007 meta-analysis from the Williams Institute of 50 studies of workplace discrimination against LGBT people found consistent patterns of bias in the workplace. Their analysis found that up to 68 percent of LGBT people reported experiencing employment discrimination, and up to 17 percent said they had been fired or denied employment.
 
This summer, the Williams Institute released a path-breaking study on the incidence of poverty in America, particularly among same-sex coupled families. They showed us that, comparing families with similar characteristics, gay and lesbian couple families are more likely to be poor than are heterosexual married couple families.

This recent study also suggests, in general, lesbian couples have higher poverty rates than either different-sex couples or gay male couples; African-Americans in same-sex couples have poverty rates that are significantly higher than black people in different-sex married couples; andsame-sex couples who live in rural areas have poverty rates that are twice as high as same-sex couples who live in large metropolitan areas.
 
While that snapshot of poverty within portions of the LGBT communities sharpens, let's also consider the discriminatory economic challenges that face many same sex couples, whether or not financially advantaged. This month, the New York Times' personal finance reporting team, Tara Siegel Bernard and Ron Lieber, addressed those questions for the first time - with the aid of a small army of experts in demographics, taxes, health insurance, adoption and family services including Dr. Gary Gates and Dr. Lee Badgett at the Williams Institute.
 
Their quest was to find out how much more, if anything, same-sex couples must pay to achieve the same protections, safeguards and family status that heterosexual couples and their children take as their birthright.
 
Their front page story, entitled, "The High Price of Being a Gay Couple," concluded that gay couples must pay far more than their heterosexual friends and families to address the same needs, and that the gay couple's lifetime costs of being gay (worst case scenario) nearly reaches a half million dollars ($467,562).
 
Yet, even in the best case scenario for a gay couple raising two children, and assuming one partner stays home for five years to take care of them, must pay an extra $41,196 on average more than a similar heterosexual couple also raising two kids.
 
These higher costs are found in the taxable status of health insurance benefits, as well as differences in estate taxes, pension and IRA accounts, combined with the more complicated and costly path to legal adoption in many jurisdictions, and finally, the longstanding exclusion from federal and state safety net programs from Social Security to disability benefits to veterans' pensions.
 
The New York Times rightly concluded: "Nearly all the extra costs that gay couples face would be erased if the federal government legalized same-sex marriage."
 
This picture of discrimination and unfairness is very real. While LGBT people generally do not consider ourselves "victims" as a class, many of our households and families are consistently penalized by unfair and unequal public policies, by our status as sexual minorities, by gender and race as well, and that is the story we find here. The passage of federal legislation such as the Employment NonDiscrimination Act, and the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act also would begin to lift these burdens that unfairly touch the lives of millions of LGBT Americans.

Despite these persistent hallmarks of discrimination, we also see that our community's contributions to the economy remain real and measurable, as consumers, taxpayers, workers, investors, managers, and entrepreneurs - as well as parents and as family members.
 
We matter not to American society because we all are thought to be "rich," which is untrue, but because we still have decision-making power, purchasing power and entrepreneurial power to create assets, income and protection for ourselves, our family, our employers and for our community. Business leaders know this, and many of America's top corporations value us, respect us and welcome us equally with all others.
 
_______________________________________________________________

Bob Witeck is co-founder and CEO of Witeck-Combs Communications, Inc. (www.witeckcombs.com) a Washington-based public relations and marketing firm founded in 1993, specializing in lesbian, gay bisexual and transgender (LGBT) market and public policy issues. In April 2003, in their 25th anniversary issue, the editors of American Demographics magazine selected Bob Witeck and Wes Combs as two of 25 leaders 'who have made significant contributions to the worlds of demographics, market research, media and trend spotting for their pioneering work on America's lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender population.

By   Sun, Nov 01, 2009

By Dominic Ambrose

We all love romance, And sex. And yet, these things can become so complicated and entangled that we end up hating ourselves for wanting them so much. Everybody has felt totally overwhelmed by romantic relationships at some points in their lives, starting with the first high school crush. But to my mind, the feeling of being lost in a world of mismatched traffic signs is even more difficult when you are gay. There is simply no reliable roadmap to follow.

First of all, what are our roles? Straight people know what the rules are, how the role playing is supposed to work out. Just watch all the dating games on TV and you will see how finely tuned males and females are to the code words and body language of their culture. The people on those shows have been chosen precisely because they have internalized all of the most banal and stereotypical behaviors and have raised them to a fine art. Now what about gay men and lesbians? Have we ever really figured out what our codes and body language mean? In the world that we have created, based on "otherness" in a straight culture, much of the allure of a relationship is the ambiguity. I think we avoid any clear explanations because we are afraid that all the magic will simply vanish in the light. We have gotten used to feeling our way in the dark. The gay dating shows I have seen on TV have been failures precisely because of everyone's reluctance or inability to communicate what the real attractions were.

It's not that we gay people don't also have our stereotypes raised to a fine art. No way, in fact, we invented that camp game! We create our types by twisting and reworking the raw material that straight people have left us. "She's a gigolo," a female friend says, for instance, describing an ex-girlfriend, "like one of those guys in a movie from the 1960s with a girl in every bar." She uses a male reference without the slightest hesitation. But is the woman in question really like one of those guys? I don't think it's so simple. Gay people may take on the characteristics of the opposite sex in their romantic relationships, but we pick and choose, mix and match according to some complicated plan even we cannot fully explain.

She's not really a gigolo, because she is still a woman, and that means she has learned to use certain behaviors to get what she wants in life that are different from the behaviors that men use. She has seen life from a woman's perspective, she has learned how to handle the restrictions and exploit the privileges that are a woman's lot, no matter what her sexual orientation. She is not a gigolo, and yet it is somehow stimulating, and sexy for other women to see her that way. It's a deception that makes sense to these other women because subconsciously they are also aware of the feminine side of that person and how that side informs her "gigolo-ness".

The same can be said for gay men. There are no real "queens" among men, though there may be legions of people with penises who think that they are Paris Hilton or Ivana Trump. They can never understand what a woman's world looks like when you have been female since the day you were born, and they would never renounce the privileges of masculinity that they have enjoyed all their lives. It is precisely those male privileges that empower them to break the gender rules and play the lah de dah femme fatale game.

So what good are these stereotypes, then? Can they help us find ourselves, the way that Tiffany-and-Brad on the Dating Game can help straight teenagers learn the ropes? The great majority of gay people, I believe, strive for some kind of harmony in their personal lives that manages to see with both male and female vision in a rich and rewarding way. The problem is, we don't know how to interpret what we are seeing. It is hard enough for people with the monovision of one sex, but for us it is doubly confusing. Who can guide us? Ironically, we need these people at the extremes, we need them to search out the far frontiers of gender bending and to report back what they find. Otherwise, those of us in the middle will have to muddle along forever, blindly mixing our own instincts with the dubious words of wisdom of Tiffany and Brad. Not a pleasant thought.

Dominic Ambrose is a writer and script developer for an independent film company in Paris. Look at his blog at http://dominicambrose.wordpress.com/ or his art blog at http://ambroseartgallery.wordpress.com/

By Angela Minor   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

Sandi and Deneil Honor America Through Military Service

Washington, DC is the latest battleground for gays and lesbians serving in the military, and the point of conflict is the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" law. This barrier to service combined with a history of flawed exclusionary practices have resulted in discrimination against tens of thousands of LGBT citizens who wanted only to be of service to their country. Two of these citizens are Sandi Hassett and Deneil LoGiudice. While their experiences predate DADT, they faced and surmounted the obstacles of being lesbians in the military.

Sandi graduated from West Point Academy with a BS in Engineering in 1989 and continued her military service as a helicopter pilot. She served as Executive Officer 5th Aviation Division & Air Assault Platoon Leader at Ft. Polk, Louisiana and spent one year as Platoon Leader in the Texas National Guard. When asked why she chose West Point, Sandi stated, "I wanted the opportunity to serve my country, meet diverse people, get a good education and stay physically active." She continued, "I didn't join the service for America to do anything for me. I expected America to allow me to prove myself once given an opportunity."

Deneil's life took a different path when she was "separated" from (kicked out of) West Point Academy only one week prior to graduation. Nonplussed by this event that would have shaken even the strongest of soldiers, Deneil joined the Army. She became a Helicopter Mechanic for the US Army Reserves, graduating first (among a sea of men) in her MOS training class for UH-1 Helicopter Maintenance. Deneil stated, "Instead of flying a Huey like Sandi, I learned how to maintain and repair them." She continued her education and holds a BA in Economics.

Sandi and Deneil ironically re-met each other at a ten-year soccer reunion at West Point in 2001. They were married in Belgium in 2006 and now happily co-habitate in San Jose, California with their three cats and one rescue dog. When asked about DADT, both women expressed passionate convictions about repealing the law for the good of the country. "Performance and ethics matter, not demographics or preferences. There are so many great people willing to serve their country. Simply because they choose to be true to themselves, they are denied this opportunity."

By Barb Elgin, LCSW   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

I checked in on my Facebook page a few minutes ago and caught a post by Janice Langbehn.  She's on my friend's list.  Her tragically true story is something you really need to know about, particularly if you still believe gay and lesbian couples are asking for 'special rights' or you don't really understand what happens when gay and lesbian couples lack the simple, yet vitally important recognition, respect and dignity that comes from equal couples rights.

We are indeed fortunate Janice is willing to take her personal pain and create something very positive out of it.  What's Janice's story? Very simply, Janice was denied a simple, yet very important right married heterosexual couples take for granted: the right to spend the last minutes of her partner's life with her partner.

Before you get to know Janice's story, just imagine for a moment being denied the right to hold the hand of the most important and loved person in your life as he or she is dying because hospital staff...

• either have the right to deny you 'family' or 'spouse' status because you don't have legal protections in place; or
• they choose to question the legal rights you've put into place, even if you present hospital staff with legal, written documentation, on the spot.

The next time someone tells you that you want 'special rights', you need to share with them Janice's story. 

Eventually, if we spread stories like Janice's far and wide enough, enough hearts will change, and laws will change to reflect the fact that the rights of same sex couples should be equal to the rights of heterosexual couples, for both practical and human rights reasons, regardless of whether others agree with those laws or not, due to their own individual religious or other personal beliefs.

I am heartened to see that Janice's story is getting more and more visibility. I've been so taken with Janice's story and her courage at moving forward, I invited Janice to be a guest on my podcast 'GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna'.  By the time you read this, the podcast will be recorded and available for listening.  If you'd like to subscribe, it's free, just go here: http://www.coachsappho.com/podcasts.php.  Once you've subscribed, you will be given the link for listening.

And, be sure to write Janice and support her in what she is doing.  Anyone who is engaged in an undertaking like hers could use the continued encouragement!

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

The Basic Home Repair Tool Kit - Part One

By Owen Jones

Wrenches, Pliers, Grips and Snips.

The basic home repair tool kit has changed over the years. When I was a boy, I do not remember seeing any power tools in father's vast array of carpenters' tools. The brace-and-bit and folding wooden rule have gone these days. Nowadays, everything needs to be plugged in or recharged. Not a bad thing at all, but not being a carpenter, like my father before me and his before him.

I wonder how mobile power tools makes the professional carpenter. My father's tool bag was a tarpaulin bag that opened with a very wide mouth so that all the tools could be displayed without removing them from the bag, making selection easy. He could take everything he needed up onto a roof with him. I imagine that his father's tool bag looked very similar, probably indistinguishable. Now, you need a van to carry everything, including a generator for rechargeable tools.

The jobs to be done remain the same however, and the rule for buying tools remains the same, buy the best you can afford. So, let's take a look at a modern, well-equipped set of tools.

Adjustable Wrenches or Spanners: Often called a Crescent wrench (USA) or monkey spanner (UK). This is a necessity, because you can adjust the size of the jaws to fit the nut you want to turn. It is not a replacement for a set of spanners (UK) (USA: wrenches), because the large jaws make it impossible to use in confined spaces, but it is the first spanner you should buy. However, this spanner comes in various sizes too. The most useful is the 10 inch monkey spanner, which will adjust up to 1.125 inches, but you may like to get a smaller one too.

Pro Tip: always use the wrench so that the force is absorbed by the fixed half of the jaw.

Pliers: There are several kinds of pliers: the traditional type for holding, twisting and cutting thin wires; tongue-and-groove pliers, which is similar to a monkey spanner and lockable pliers. The first type of pliers is most useful for electrical work. The second type, which has adjustable jaws where a tongued pivot slides along a grooved slot to engage at the desired width, is mostly used for plumbing. The third type is also adjustable, by means of a knurled screw mounted in one of the handles. However, on squeezing the handles together, it will lock fast with a grip like a vise, giving them their common name of vise-grips. They are very powerful and will damage wood.

Pro Tip: Keep some slats, like lolly sticks, handy to insert between the jaws and any delicate surface you may want to preserve.

Tin Snips: These are used for cutting relatively thin sheets of metal like lead flashings and aluminium sidings. They are also ideal for cutting wire or fencing like chicken wire. Standard tin snips cannot handle cutting in a pattern, but are excellent at straight lines and broad curves. For more intricate designs you will need aviation sheers, which can handle that job because of their smaller, pointed noses.

Standard Tin Snips            Aviation Sheers

Owen Jones, the author of this article writes on several subjects, but is currently involved with the USB microphe headsets. If you would like to know more about the great bargains available, please go to our website at Plantronic Wireless Headset for more information.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Owen_Jones

By   Tue, Nov 03, 2009

According to recent data, all of the cities below have experienced price drops of at least 15 percent, compared to what real estate was selling for before the recession:

 
#1 New York, NY
 
With almost a 33 percent decrease in home prices, New York City (NYC) takes top honors by showing the most dramatic discounts for a major city that is also one of the most desirable destinations on the planet. Before the real estate crash, NYC was getting so expensive that home prices were prohibitive. But right now there is a rare chance to gain entry, and history proves that an investment in Big Apple real estate is one of the best you can possibly make.

 
#2 Miami, FL
 
Meanwhile the “Best City in the World” (as Miami was voted by Wallpaper fashion arts magazine) is a strong competitor on the opposite end of the Atlantic seaboard. So if you prefer sunshine, surf, and SOBE, house shop in Miami. Prices there are off almost 25 percent – and that includes condos for sale in South Beach.

#3 San Francisco, CA

San Francisco needs no introduction, as the name itself is synonymous with lush and vibrant LGBT society and culture. But prices have slipped between 17 and 18 percent, which means that introductory fees to ownership in this legendary gay and lesbian Mecca have become much more affordable and reasonable.

#4 Seattle, WA

Seattle has a great LGBT newspaper, LGBT community resource center, LGBT film festival, and attracts more than 100,000 participants for its annual Pride Festival through Capitol Hill – the city’s best-known LGBT neighborhood. Plus real estate is selling at more than a 17 percent discount compared to prices before the recession. You can buy a home and have plenty of cash left over to fund your local gourmet coffee habit.

#5 Atlanta, GA

Historic Atlanta – where prices in LGBT friendly neighborhoods like Midtown, Little Five Points, Virginia Highlands, and Cabbagetown have seen affordability increase by more than 16 percent, another top choice. The city has long been a magnet for gays and lesbians all over the Deep South and thanks to the involvement of the LGBT community “Hot’lanta” had evolved into a world-class LGBT city with all the perks of any outstanding metropolitan center.
 
Interest rates across America are also low, which makes it easier to buy in any of these LGBT hotspots. The 30-year fixed-rate mortgage was below five percent in early October, whereas last year the same loans carried interest rates of more than six percent.
 
Home sales have been showing more vigor than they have in about two years, though, so the opportunity to cash in on easy equity appreciation may begin to disappear between now and 2010, when buyers again come out of the woodwork. That’s why savvy LGBT shoppers will beat the crowds by purchasing now, while cold weather slows the pace of real estate and those with homes listed are more inclined to sweeten offers to close a sale.
 
For additional information and to contact a Top LGBT Real Estate Professional working in these cities visit: http://www.GayRealEstate.com.

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

Adoption is not the only option for gay male couples. Infertility clinics may offer several services that can help same gender couples have children. To best understand all possible options, couples who are interested should speak to a fertility specialist at a clinic for detailed descriptions of some of these treatments. Historically, most same gender couples have assumed adoption provided their only opportunity to have children. Today, however, a number of infertility clinics willingly help gay and lesbian couples become biological parents.

There are several inherent difficulties associated with certain fertility treatments, and these treatments can also be very expensive. However, many couples find success through these procedures and are able to raise a child that is biologically related to them. The procedures available for male couples will vary in many cases from treatments available for female couples. To get a full list of treatments that may be successful, couples are encouraged to visit a fertility clinic in their area for more information.

For lesbian couples, gay infertility clinics may offer intrauterine insemination as an option. This requires donor sperm for insertion into one partner's uterus where fertilization should take place. In vitro fertilization may also be an option, but this too requires donor sperm. Couples who are interested in these treatments should seek assistance from a nearby medical specialist to determine if they are a good candidate.

For male couples, gay infertility clinics may use egg donors and/or surrogates. There are two types of surrogacy, and couples should consult a medical professional at a fertility clinic for more information about both. Briefly put, traditional surrogacy involves a surrogate mother who is artificially inseminated with the sperm from one of the partners. The surrogate will carry the child to term.

The other method of surrogacy, and a frequently used method today, is called gestational surrogacy. Couples who decide to use this method will have to obtain donor eggs. In this type of surrogacy, the surrogate mother is implanted with embryos created from one of the partner's sperm and a donor egg. The sperm and egg may be combined in a procedure called in vitro fertilization.

Other methods may also be used to help gay couples raise a child who is biologically related to them. As you can see, options are available to all relationships subject to qualifications by the fertility clinic.

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

By Lauren E. Mross - LegalOut, V.P. of UX

In early February of last year I was anxiously awaiting a call back from my doctor to discuss the results of a recent thyroid biopsy.

I had to step out of my office for a meeting, but I was relieved that my partner was there and would be available to take the call while I was out. When my doctor finally did call, however, my partner was unable to receive the biopsy results. Why? Because all medical records are handled with complete confidentiality unless you have a Release of Medical Records Form on file in your physician's office. My doctor was simply following the letter of the HIPAA Law.

Initially, I was upset about my doctor's refusal to give the information to my partner, thinking it was discrimination since we weren't legally married. My doctor explained that even legally married couples need this form on file to have full disclosure of their spouse's records. It is a matter of patient privacy.

A little thing such as taking a phone call can turn into a very big thing when it comes to your health. As it turned out, I ended up having surgery to remove my thyroid and it was found that I have thyroid cancer. It would have made a difference to me and my partner to have my medical information delivered as quickly as possible in that situation.

That phone call last February was just the tip of the iceberg in what turned into a major medical situation for me. My partner and I had the wake-up call we needed to get our healthcare paperwork in order - to ensure the protection of our rights. These are rights that many of us may take for granted, or not even consider, until the time comes. My advice to you is don't wait until the time comes - protect yourself now.

If you are in an unmarried, committed partnership, whether you are LGBT or heterosexual, please keep in mind the need for these important healthcare documents. Give yourself and your partner maximum protection in your time of need.

At a minimum, any basic estate plan should include the following documents: Release of medical records for your partner or spouse, Hospital Visitation Authorization, Living Will, Health Care Power of Attorney, Last Will and Testament, Power of Attorney.

To prepare any of the legal documents mentioned, please visit LegalOut to quickly and easily create affordable legal documents - all in the privacy of your own home.

By   Thu, Oct 01, 2009

LGBT people have some unique health needs and concerns. Unfortunately, many health care providers don't fully understand these issues, so it's important to take charge of your health by asking your healthcare provider about the health matters that may apply to you

The Gay & Lesbian Medical Association have compiled specific downloadable list for gay men, lesbians, and transgendered persons. 

Click Here to get the lists.

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

Wedding Budgeting: Con’s and Pro’s for LGBT Folks

by Alex Jason

My partner and I are about ten months away from getting married, so the hardcore budgeting process is underway. I tend to be the hater of spreadsheets and anything formal in our relationship, so this whole process is new to me; I've never planned such a big event before. Complicating things, is that I've never been to a gay wedding, and thus have no friends to ask questions to about expenses. Still, my partner and I have no choice but to move forward with the process, which has revealed somepro's and con's to me about being a same-sex couple planning our special day.

We'll start with the con's since I'm sure readers will want a happy ending: this is about a wedding, after all. The first big bummer for me was to find out from my parents that they weren't necessarily going to help out, since this isn't a "traditional" wedding. After a couple of conversations and just giving it some time, they came around. But still, there was no assumption on their part that their gay son taking another man's hand in marriage requires their financial support. This wasn't a question when my oldest sister got married. When that happened, my mother went into high gear, basically becoming thebridezilla that my sister didn't have in her. So it has been a bit harder to get the parents involved in my celebration, even if it's just to ask them suggestions on venues or guests to invite. Some people would consider this a blessing, and I'm not saying I want my parents planning my wedding, but there is definitely a more hand's off approach when it comes to same-sex ceremonies.

Consistent with that hand's off approach is that there are very few places in the U.S. for LGBT folks to get married, so often both sets of parents are hearing about weddings that aren't necessarily near where they live. This has crimped our plan a bit, since we're planning on a Boston ceremony even though most of my family is in Los Angeles. My partner's family is all over the States too. Budget-wise, the result is that we've been tied to more urban settings for our celebration so that folks can have an easier time at getting to our party. More urban, though, means more expensive...unless we go to DesMoines , but I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. That's the thing about same-sex weddings: there are so few places for us to get married so we have less of an opportunity to shop around for lower costs.

Ultimately my partner and I understand that we're not in the worst boat since we have family in Boston, where we're getting hitched, that are doing some legwork for us on inexpensive photographers,DJ's , caterers, etc. Still, if I could get married in New York, I would be doing all this myself and, in theory, finding a better deal because I could do my own price comparisons.

This brings me to my last point: there's no such thing as a cookie-cutter gay wedding. So that means you have to walk through every part of the process and decide what you're willing to spend and how much. Yes, I know, this is good to do when undertaking any big event, but for someone like me who abhors process, it'd be great to see a form, check off what I want and move on. Maybe I'd even get some money off for being an easy customer? Doubtful.

The one great thing though about the above is that since there is no standard my partner and I have to follow, we can eliminate anything we want. Here start thepro's . Since there are no traditions, we can axe the more expensive parts of ceremonies that people find so "important", like buckets of flowers and, well, a wedding dress! Now I plan to look stylish when walking down the aisle, but there's no need for a nice dress, unless my partner has something he has yet to tell me.

What we've done so far is heavily involve our friends in our planning to cut down on costs. We'll likely have a friend be our officiant - a trend the straight folks are following as well. We also want friends to do everything from make our invitations to help out with day-of plans so that neither I nor my partner freak out when someone tells us the food is cold.

Another great saving we'll get by being in a same-sex wedding is that we're looking at this event more as a celebration of friends than a family gathering - in other words, we get the right to invite fewer people! Off our list already are those cousins we never see, parents' friends that they're obligated to invite, and crazy aunts and uncles. our goal is to max out at 100 people and we're really close to getting there.

I wish I could end this column with a list of ten Web sites that are great resources for same-sex wedding planning. Unfortunately, they're not out there. Trust me, if they were my partner would have already found them. There are a few sites but nothing as comprehensive as you'd expect five years after gay marriage became legal in Massachusetts. So you'll have to do a lot of this yourself, but as LGBT folks, we're used to trailblazing at this point.

Originally posted to Queercents on July 16, 2009 and is reprinted here with permission.

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

By   Fri, Oct 30, 2009

The BBC News captured images of nine very happy gay and lesbian couples getting married around the United Kingdom.  Civil partnerships in the United Kingdom, granted under the Civil Partnership Act 2004, give same-sex couples rights and responsibilities identical to civil marriage. Civil partners are entitled to the same property rights as married opposite-sex couples, the same exemption as married couples on inheritance tax, social security and pension benefits, and also the ability to get parental responsibility for a partner's children, as well as responsibility for reasonable maintenance of one's partner and their children, tenancy rights, full life insurance recognition, next-of-kin rights in hospitals, and others. There is a formal process for dissolving partnerships akin to divorce.

Click Here to View the Gallery

By   Sat, Oct 31, 2009

By Andrew Marshall

Civil Partnerships came into operation in the United Kingdom in December 2005. A civil partnership is the means by which a same sex couple can register their relationship. In many ways it is similar to a marriage, carrying many of the same laws, only under a different name. Unfortunately though, just like marriages, Civil Partnerships don't always work out.

There are three main categories that the ending of a Civil Partnership fall under; a dissolution, a separation order and an annulment. A dissolution is very much like a divorce and means that the couple in question will longer be civil partners. Issues regarding property, finances and any children the couple may have will need to be resolved. A separation is much like a dissolution except that they are still officially civil partners and cannot marry or start a civil partnership with anyone else. This is the equivalent to a legal separation with a married couple. An annulment can be requested from a judge if either party does not think the civil partnership is valid or legal. Examples of this would be if one of the couple is under 16 years old or in a civil partnership or marriage with someone else.

For one of the parties to request a civil partnership dissolution, the partnership must have been registered for over one year. Just like with a divorce, the person requesting the dissolution must provide evidence to show that the relationship has irretrievably broken down.

The most likely reason for a dissolution is that the other party has been guilty of unreasonable behaviour. Some of the reasons that can be given for unreasonable behaviour are physical or mental abuse, financial irresponsibility, a dependence on drugs or alcohol, or sexual unfaithfulness. The other main reason for a dissolution is if the couple have been apart for a certain amount of time. If they have lived apart for two years and both parties agree, or five years and only one party agrees, it is likely the dissolution will be granted. If one partner has disserted the other for more than two years without a good reason, this is also ground for a dissolution.

The first step in a civil partnership dissolution is for the person requesting the dissolution to fill out a Petition. A petition is a document detailing the facts of the civil partnership and the reasons why he or she is seeking the dissolution. The other member of the partnership is then able to contest the dissolution. If this happens it goes to court and the process ends when the judge decides whether or not to grant the dissolution. The judge must agree that the partnership has irretrievably broken down and that there is no possibility of their problems being resolved. The entire dissolution process typically takes between three and six months.

By   Sat, Jan 23, 2010

Anna's Caramel Fried Apple Pies

Wilbert's Italian Cream Cake

Sally's Udon Style Japanese Soup

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