Are you in a lesbian relationship (or any relationship!) and wondering if it has run its course? How do you decide when to bail? Of course there are the obvious red flags, like cheating and abuse, but what if the troubles are more subtle than that. Here are a few ways to tell if you should consider breaking up and getting a fresh start, hopefully making a wiser choice the next time round.

• You are feeling trapped. The relationship is no longer a source of joy, but rather an obligation for you to uphold. You brace before walking in the door at night.

• You look forward to the workweek.

• You are talking to the wall. You've tried to explain what is going on with you and how you feel about the relationship, but she does nothing to address your concerns.

• You feel like you are doing a disproportionate amount of the relationship-building work. You are the arranger, the talker, the organizer, the planner, the fixer, the doer. If you stop, she does nothing to take over. You are exhausted and hurt.

• You feel you don't have the strength or the will to work on the relationship, even if your partner does want to turn it around. You simply don't care anymore. The thought of couples counseling is unappealing. You have passed the point of emotional no-return.

• You are frequently thinking about an ex- or find yourself flirting with someone new. You may have noticed your partner doing the same.

• You and your partner are fighting more often and more intensely...or worse, you are not communicating at all.

• Your partner ridicules you or seems embarrassed by you around others.

• Your partner tells other people important news before she tells you. Not good. Especially if you hear it back from the other person first!

• Your partner doesn't consult you before making major decisions.

• Your partner doesn't make time for you. You try to make plans to be together, but your partner tends to have excuses to cancel them, whether it be work, commitments to friendships or just household chores. You feel like you are at the bottom of the list.

• The sex is dead.

If your relationship has 4 or 5 of these signs, as a couple you maybe in trouble.

If 7 or 8 are hitting home, you might start thinking about getting out of the relationship and making some plans toward that end.

If the whole list sounds like your life, run!

By Patricia Cheney

Pat Cheney is a life coach who specializes in coming out gay or lesbian in adulthood. She is a lesbian who was in a heterosexual marriage for 20 years-and for 15 of those years didn't even realize she was gay! As she began to emerge from denial, Pat went through a very difficult period, but found the strength to move forward and pull her life back together. She is now divorced and in a committed partnership with a woman. Her relationships with her ex-husband, children and parents are intact. As a result of her experiences, Pat feels a deep sense of obligation to assist others who are in this situation and on their own journey of discovery.

Pat's life coach training was with the International Coach Academy, which is accredited by the International Coach Federation. She holds a bachelor's degree in health science, with formal training in mental health and over 25 years experience working in the health field. In addition, Pat has an MBA. She earned both degrees at Temple University in Philadelphia, PA.

Comments(1):

1. How do you know if your partner is cheating when youre having a long distance relationship and your lover is 10years younger than you?

   Monday, May 10, 2010 San-Marie