by "Fanny Arnstein"

My sister and I have always joked that the other would have to care for the parents, when the time came for elder-care. As I am the black sheep and not exactly viewed by them as favored by any stretch of the imagination, it has always been clear that she would assume that responsibility.

The topic of my husband’s family, however, is vastly different, and because we are the caregivers and nurturers of his side of the family, the responsibility for at least one of his parents falls to us.

When I met my husband a number of years ago (too many to be exact), he was eager to introduce me to “Mom’s side” of the family. I met them all. Siblings, aunts and uncles, even his beloved Grammy. He was very tight-lipped about "Dad’s side."

I wanted to be sure in the early days of our courtship that we were aligned on the values and principles of life, and accordingly, I put him to a few tests. Among the first was the acceptance test. Tolerance was a deciding factor, so being from San Francisco and thrilled by the opportunity, I took him to a transgender bar. Asia SF was well reputed for gorgeous transgender starlets and amazing food.  Not realizing, of course, that I was exposing him to the world I found so normal and fun, he had a heck of a time wrapping his head around the idea that the headliner, “Jasmine,” was a transgender, as she cooed to him to the tune of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” in her provocative and skimpy wedding dress and promised abundant and firm cleavage that, quite honestly, gave me a run for my money.  Later that evening, while we talked of the fun we had had, he blurted out, “My father is transgender.”  I remember smacking him in the arm hard, telling him that it wasn’t funny to make a joke, and then I watched all the color drain from his face, and he cast his eyes downward in what I perceived at the time as shame.  Barely audibly, he whispered, “No joke.”

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Comments(3):

1. This had me on the verge of tears...

   As I am Ann. Well, sort of. Though I am younger (43) I've been in her shoes. My daughter thinks I hate her and don't even think of her because my ex-wife's done much of the same things that were done to Ann. Especially the "cut off from the paternal relationship altogether in hopes of protecting them from the anomaly of the 'beast' within their father." This is actually my ex-wife in a VM message she left for me: http://transadvocate.com/audio/familydrama.mp3 She did effectively cut me off from my daughter. You can't even imagine the pain this has caused me (and I'm sure caused my daughter as well). One of the reasons I fight so hard with my advocacy and with my blogging at The Transadvocate is to stop stories of mine and Ann's from happening to anyone else. It's truly horrific. Google Forge and TAN and you'll find a support group/list for SOFFA's of aging trans folk. One thing Ann has, that I don't think I ever will... is a relationship with her child. I know I'll walk into death alone. I'm not sure whether Ann knows it or not, but she's blessed. Blessed to have you and yours in her life. Good luck to you. If you need anything, contact me via my site. Namaste

   Saturday, October 01, 2011 Marti

2. Courage

   Regardless of what name is attached to this story or the characters within, a great deal of courage is exhibited in the mere fact of telling the story. This is what it takes to come out of the dark ages, to let society know that these situations are real and a part of life and that real life stories of the LGBT are as much a part of the norm in society as the stories from any other segment of society. It will be through the courageous act of telling stories such as this, that understanding and acceptance will someday find a common place occurrence among all members of society regarding any segment within our society. I commend the writer for having such courage!-Author J.C. Knudson

   Monday, October 03, 2011 Joe

3. Marti.....

   To thank you seems inappropriate. To let you know that just touching your life and to share with you that there is hope for a future relationship when the time comes for the impressionable child to draw her own conclusions, makes me feel as though I have done a good thing today. My son is also gay and I know and understand the horrors of those who proclaim to love you turning their back on you. I have lost all ties to parents and siblings for standing up for my child and for standing up or my mother in law. While the fantatics scream "evil" i know in my heart that I am on the right path, and there is NO REASON you should live your live disingenuously to who you are in your heart and soul. My husband's family on the maternal side is cruel in judgement and not without long term fallout for the inability to see past the exterior to understand that deep inside she is the same person she has always been, the only difference being gender. So Marti, take heart that time heals all wounds, and with time and experiences come understanding and hopefully tolerance. Don't stop caring, and don't be defeated. Do good deeds everyday and live in character and one day it just might turn for you. Thank you for commenting and following....your support is not taken for granted. Family is where YOU find it, and in my discoveries, found in the most extraordinary of places. Joe, thank you. there are no words that would sufficiently express my gratitude for your commitment to the cause, and your supportive words of COURAGE. It is not easy as a straight woman to stand up for LGBT either, we suffer the same ignorances and make sacrifices to do so, and hope that in the greater good we are doing the right thing. People like you remind us we are. Fanny

   Monday, October 03, 2011 fanny